Recently, I started becoming aware that I hold opinions and desire choices outside what is considered “mainstream” in many circumstances. Some examples are:

  1. Motorcycle safety
  2. Circumstances under which I will be wearing an N95 mask (far more often)
  3. Social Media use
  4. (A few more that you already know about if you know me well enough)

When I was younger, this used to bother me. Observing my behavior, I seem to have responded in one of three ways:

  1. Try to put effort towards changing what is the mainstream, so I now fit within it. Primarily this was me trying to “convert” people around me, often in irritating ways.
  2. Absolutely loudly hate the mainstream, and make it out so that being seen as outside the mainstream (in exactly the way I am) is a morally superior position
  3. Quietly deny my opinion or desire to myself, and try to convince myself to change so I can be within the mainstream

I see all these as unconscious coping mechanisms to ward off my own discomfort and fears about being vulnerable. They all suck, cost a lot of energy, and don’t actually seem to comfort me.

There is a secret 4th thing that I have sometimes done unconsciously, and now I want to consciously do more often:

  1. Evaluate if my opinion or desire is fully true to myself. If so, clearly accept and communicate it, without any reference to other people’s opinions or choices. If not, change my opinion or desire something else.

This is not me ignoring other people’s opinions - but forcing myself to fully own my opinion, to have enough clarity so I can communicate it appropriately, and give myself permission to change in light of new information. It feels vulnerable yet immensely freeing.

I will practice this, so I will continually try, fail and improve in a loop. I am writing and publishing this primarily as a reminder to myself.